Eating Disorders: A Personal Journey from Darkness to Recovery
By Joanna Jleilaty, Wellness Coach & Eating Disorder Counselor
I First Read That Word in Grade 10
I remember reading that word for the very first time back when I was in grade 10. At that time, I was at my lowest possible weight. A voice in my mind manipulated me and dictated every step I “should” or “shouldn’t” take.
The Voice Overrode My Rational Decisions
This voice overrode my ability to make any rational decisions. I feared food and weight gain. I looked at my own image in the mirror with a constant feeling of not being “good enough.”
The Scale Dictated My Worth
I felt attached to the scale. The numbers on it indicated my worth, my mood for the day, and how well I had controlled my food plan and exercise routine. I constantly avoided social events where the food source remained unknown to me. This made it difficult to track my calorie intake.
I Resorted to Maladaptive Behaviors
I resorted to maladaptive eating behaviors to cope with negative feelings and thoughts. I just wanted to be thin, you know. But what I hadn’t realized back then is that I was forging myself into a deadly Eating Disorder: Anorexia Nervosa.
A Series of Painful Maybes
Maybe if I had heard about these serious mental illnesses earlier instead of surfing the web and ending up making painful discoveries. Maybe if it wasn’t a sin to raise awareness around eating disorders. Maybe if society had made it safe enough to talk about it without people seeing it as “crazy” or “abnormal.”
More Maybes That Haunt Me
Maybe if our community promoted health at every size instead of shrinking us to fit into XS sizes. Maybe if people had more interesting things to say than “you’ve gained/lost weight.” Maybe if various industries conducted the word “healthy” correctly instead of defining it erroneously. Maybe if we considered food as fuel and nourishment to our bodies.
Maybe Back Then, I Would Have Lived Better
Maybe back then, I would have lived in a better place, mentally and physically.
But Reality Stays Far from These Maybes
But reality stays far away from all these maybes. After all, who bears the blame?
I Felt Like a Prisoner for Years
For years, I felt like a prisoner to this torturous illness. I felt completely brainwashed and out of control. Yet, I knew deep down that no one forced an eating disorder upon me.
I Felt It Was My Fault
Without any concrete understanding or evidence otherwise, I inevitably felt that the eating disorder was my fault. I felt it was somewhat a choice I was making. The self-blame, guilt, and confusion surfaced from wanting to do what I needed to do but feeling powerless to take the steps. This pushed me further into the grip of my eating disorder.
I Felt Furious at Society
At the same time, I felt furious about the stereotypical views of society. I also resented the discrimination regarding mental illness. I felt hopeless and helpless because I feared reaching out. I feared external judgments and pointed fingers, even from my own family.
Treatment Taught Me Something Crucial
However, treatment taught me that eating disorders are multifaceted mental illnesses. They resemble a big, complex snowball that depends on a variety of elements.
Many Factors Contribute to Eating Disorders
These factors include genetic factors, unusual activity of brain neurotransmitters, hormones and other brain chemicals, and our coping mechanisms when dealing with adversity and inadequacy. Additionally, our childhood and developmental years, our personality, our beliefs, what we learn, and what we see all play a role. The media images that bombard us and how beauty standards define and convey themselves to us also contribute significantly.
Eating Disorders Are About More Than Food
I have also learned that eating disorders involve more than just the food. Unlike what many people think, Anorexia Nervosa does not limit itself to counting calories and severe restrictions. It is definitely not as simple as “you just have to eat more.”
Food Is Only Part of the Story
Food constitutes only a part of it. The other part goes to deeper mental and emotional battles. While eating behaviors remain common to people with an eating disorder, these deeper layers are more subjective. They require considerable self-introspective work.
Anorexia Is Rooted in Deeper Issues
To make this more relevant, anorexia nervosa is rooted in perfectionism, the need for control, an “all or nothing” mindset, lack of affection, low self-esteem, and poor body image.
I Am Not Responsible for This Illness
So now I know, through increased knowledge and deep understanding of what seemed senseless for many years, that I am not responsible for this illness.
Blaming Society Dims Recovery Chances
On the other hand, blaming society and playing the victim would dim my chances to recover. It would make me fall even more into this downward spiral. And I was DONE with falling. I was ready to rise again.
I Rose to a New Place
I rose to a place of consciousness about eating disorders. I rose to a place of mindfulness about everything going on externally and internally in the NOW. I rose to a place of willingness to get better. I rose to a place of prowess to fully recover.
Here I Am Today
And here I am today, looking in the mirror. Without any second thought, I see someone strong who has survived and thrived. I see someone who has claimed their life back. I see someone resilient who has learned A LOT from the bitter days.
I See Someone Eager and Committed
I see someone eager to gain more knowledge and expertise in this field. I see someone committed to making an impact and raising the needed awareness to reduce the shame and stigma around eating disorders. I see someone empowered to share their own vulnerable story to make it safe for others to speak out. I see someone passionate about helping other people find their way to full recovery.
I See Me
I see Me.
A Final Quote to Remember
“When you find yourself cocooned in isolation and you cannot find your way out of darkness… Remember, this is similar to the place where caterpillars go to grow their wings.” – Necole Stephens
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