Don’t Heal So Hard You Forget How to Be a Decent Human – By Cosette Awad

أكتوبر 1, 2025

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We all have that friend who used to be a lot of fun. You could bond over your dread of Monday mornings and celebrate a weekend with no plans. Then they discovered self-improvement. Now, your venting session about a bad day is met with a thoughtful sigh and, “You know, I used to get triggered by that, but now I see it as part of my heal.”

Congratulations to them. But for some, the path of personal growth leads to a sense of superiority. Their journey seems to have less to do with genuine healing and more with turning every conversation into a stage for their own enlightenment.

When ‘Boundaries’ Become a Weapon

It often starts subtly. You share a story about a disastrous date, and instead of laughter or commiseration, you get a diagnosis. “It sounds like you’re attracting a pattern,” they might say. “Have you tried writing a list of non-negotiable traits?”

You came for empathy and left with unsolicited homework. Your stress about a work deadline becomes “a failure to set boundaries.” Your frustration with a flaky friend is labeled “an attachment wound.” The friendship itself may even become a casualty, ending with a text about “curating energy,” a polite demotion from “Friend” to “Negative Vibes.”

The “Healed” Friend vs. The Truly Evolved One

This is the critical distinction. The “healed” friend uses their growth as a shield, creating distance and hierarchy. Their language is laced with judgment disguised as advice. They have confused healing with graduating from the messy, complicated business of human connection.

In stark contrast, the truly evolved friend is the one you don’t see coming. Their growth is quiet. It shows up not in the words they say, but in how they make you feel. They have done the inner work, but they wear their enlightenment lightly.

You can tell them about your terrible date, and they’ll laugh with you, not at you. They might say, “He spent the whole night talking about his novelty socks? That’s spectacularly awful. Tell me everything.” They listen to your work stress and offer, “Your boss sounds impossible. Let’s brainstorm how to make it bearable,” instead of suggesting you “reframe your perspective.”

The truly evolved friend understands that connection isn’t about fixing you. It’s about sitting with you in your discomfort, without an agenda. They remember what it was like to be in the trenches, and they haven’t pulled the ladder up after themselves. Their self-care hasn’t made them fragile; it has made them more durable, more present, and infinitely kinder. They are the safe harbor in the storm, not a lighthouse constantly signaling their own superior position.

Are YOU the Problem? A Quick Self-Check

Before we judge, it’s wise to look inward. Have you recently:

Used “I can’t be around that energy” to avoid a friend’s hard time?
Responded to a bad day with a book recommendation instead of a listening ear?
Mentally diagnosed someone’s “attachment style” during a casual conversation?

If yes, you might be leaning into the cliché. The good news is that awareness is the first step back to genuine connection.

The Bottom Line: Healing Shouldn’t Be a Solo Sport

The uncomfortable truth is this: if your healing makes you feel superior to those still working through their struggles, you’ve just traded one problem for another. Real growth expands your capacity for compassion, not criticism.

True healing isn’t about building a fortress of self-care so pristine that no one else’s problems can get through. It’s about rolling up your sleeves and sitting in the mud with a friend sometimes. The most genuinely evolved people are easier to be around, not more difficult.

So the next time you feel the urge to enlighten someone with your hard-won wisdom, ask yourself: Am I helping, or am I just showing off?

What’s the point of finding your inner peace if you lose your friends in the process? Sometimes, the most therapeutic thing you can do is put down the self-help book and pass the chips. After all, the ultimate sign of growth is remembering how to be a good friend, not a perfect one.